To those of you who have siblings, maybe you've had similar thoughts running through your heads. A little background information. I'm the oldest of three, my sister is 3 years younger and my brother is 6 years younger than I. Yes, yes my parents planned it all carefully, to have 3 years between us all but that's not what my post is about today.
Of course most parents say that they love all of you, because... well I guess that's what parents are supposed to say, right? But sometimes you just can't help but feel... less loved. Maybe it's just something I'm telling myself, but at times that feeling seems so real to me.
My confidence has never been high...mediocre at best. I believe that it's linked to an experience when I was 8-9 years old. I was upstairs and putting something back into a hall closet when I heard my mom and sister talk after my sister had been punished. She said it in a low voice but I could still hear them loud and clear. She said to my sister and I quote: "Why are you always acting like this? Why must you always misbehave? It breaks my heart! ... I haven't told you this before but I've always liked you best out of the bunch." I didn't really hear the rest because everything else in that instant became a blur to me. Of course neither of them knew I was in the upstairs hallway at the time and once, when confronted my mom denied everything. But deep in my heart I'll always know what I heard that day. Yes, maybe my mother said that to comfort her because in a brief moment she regretted being so harsh, but... still...
Of course with my brother, him being a male and all, he was bound to be a favorite of at least one person. My dad and grandmothers in particular, since now the family name and bloodline was secured. I know this sounds incredibly petty but I can't help but feel that I was somehow a test kid. I guess it's normal for the oldest child to feel this way, but with me, my parents had no clue. They'd never had children before so it was all trial and error. Once my siblings came along they already knew what to do and more importantly, what NOT to do.
Having siblings is a funny thing, especially when it comes to mine. Like a lot of other siblings I think the three of us are nothing alike. Personality-wise and look-wise. As a matter of fact we're quite different but still very close. Hearing a harsh comment stings so much more coming from them that from a complete stranger because they're so close to you. Like I mentioned in a previous post, the three of us never say the "L"-word or hug. It's not in our personalities but we still care a great deal for one another.
Believe me, it wasn't always like that. When we were younger, I often felt that I had to compete with my sister especially for our mom's attention and affection. It once got so out of hand that I, with a broom in my hand and my sister, with a carving knife in her hand were at each others throats. Quite a dangerous combination, wouldn't you say? Bear in mind that we were no more that 7 and 4 years old at the time. Had it not been for my grandfather who disarmed us both and handled that situation, who knows what would've happened?
I know a woman who haven't talked to her sister in 10 years because of a fight they had once. She didn' even remember what they were fighting about but neither of them were willing to budge. And at a later time when I talked to her again she had made peace with her sister, claiming that she took the first step because this was way too ridiculous. It's funny with siblings... Be it love or dislike, the feelings are always so strong. I believe that unlike friends or acquantances who we can choose to cut out of our lives if we want, family will always be family. For better or worse. We can choose to sever connections but no matter what they will still be family. And especially like someone as close as ones siblings there is a lot involved.
Phew, this was a rather long and perhaps incoherent post. A lot of different thougths were going on in my mind and they all had to come out. So I hope you will all forgive me for that. Just needed to get something off my chest.
