To those of you who have siblings, maybe you've had similar thoughts running through your heads. A little background information. I'm the oldest of three, my sister is 3 years younger and my brother is 6 years younger than I. Yes, yes my parents planned it all carefully, to have 3 years between us all but that's not what my post is about today.
Of course most parents say that they love all of you, because... well I guess that's what parents are supposed to say, right? But sometimes you just can't help but feel... less loved. Maybe it's just something I'm telling myself, but at times that feeling seems so real to me.
My confidence has never been high...mediocre at best. I believe that it's linked to an experience when I was 8-9 years old. I was upstairs and putting something back into a hall closet when I heard my mom and sister talk after my sister had been punished. She said it in a low voice but I could still hear them loud and clear. She said to my sister and I quote: "Why are you always acting like this? Why must you always misbehave? It breaks my heart! ... I haven't told you this before but I've always liked you best out of the bunch." I didn't really hear the rest because everything else in that instant became a blur to me. Of course neither of them knew I was in the upstairs hallway at the time and once, when confronted my mom denied everything. But deep in my heart I'll always know what I heard that day. Yes, maybe my mother said that to comfort her because in a brief moment she regretted being so harsh, but... still...
Of course with my brother, him being a male and all, he was bound to be a favorite of at least one person. My dad and grandmothers in particular, since now the family name and bloodline was secured. I know this sounds incredibly petty but I can't help but feel that I was somehow a test kid. I guess it's normal for the oldest child to feel this way, but with me, my parents had no clue. They'd never had children before so it was all trial and error. Once my siblings came along they already knew what to do and more importantly, what NOT to do.
Having siblings is a funny thing, especially when it comes to mine. Like a lot of other siblings I think the three of us are nothing alike. Personality-wise and look-wise. As a matter of fact we're quite different but still very close. Hearing a harsh comment stings so much more coming from them that from a complete stranger because they're so close to you. Like I mentioned in a previous post, the three of us never say the "L"-word or hug. It's not in our personalities but we still care a great deal for one another.
Believe me, it wasn't always like that. When we were younger, I often felt that I had to compete with my sister especially for our mom's attention and affection. It once got so out of hand that I, with a broom in my hand and my sister, with a carving knife in her hand were at each others throats. Quite a dangerous combination, wouldn't you say? Bear in mind that we were no more that 7 and 4 years old at the time. Had it not been for my grandfather who disarmed us both and handled that situation, who knows what would've happened?
I know a woman who haven't talked to her sister in 10 years because of a fight they had once. She didn' even remember what they were fighting about but neither of them were willing to budge. And at a later time when I talked to her again she had made peace with her sister, claiming that she took the first step because this was way too ridiculous. It's funny with siblings... Be it love or dislike, the feelings are always so strong. I believe that unlike friends or acquantances who we can choose to cut out of our lives if we want, family will always be family. For better or worse. We can choose to sever connections but no matter what they will still be family. And especially like someone as close as ones siblings there is a lot involved.
Phew, this was a rather long and perhaps incoherent post. A lot of different thougths were going on in my mind and they all had to come out. So I hope you will all forgive me for that. Just needed to get something off my chest.
9 comments:
I totally feel you on what you wrote, but I was the middle child. I was not the oldest, nor the youngest, nor the boy in the family. So, I too felt like I had to fight with my sister and brother for my parents affection. It didnt help that I tried to be goody two shoes and my sister and brother were the "bad" ones. So of course they got more attention, or so I thought at that age.
I too am closer now to my siblings, but do not say the L word, but we know that it does not need to be said, but shown in our actions. I think it has a lot to do with the Asian culture.
It's funny how things change when we grow older and grow wiser.
Aww, this was such a personal post Chi. My mom said something to me that I will never forget about siblings. She lost her sister in her late 20s and she said to me, "I used to get so mad at my sister and then I didn't have a sister to get mad at anymore." So whatever problems you may have or how much angst you feel, at least you're lucky enough to have your family in your life.
It makes me sad to read how much that comment from your mom affected you. I think that it was just something she said to comfort your sister. But I know how you feel, I have gone through similar situations with my mom and sister. But regardless I think your mom loves you very much and there is no way to measure that.
Thanks for sharing :) My brother and I used to fight a lot as kids too, and it got to the point that we stopped speaking to each other during our teenage years. But as you said, family is always family...now we are on such good terms I'm still not sure what to make of it. Though he still gets on my nerves sometimes...lol
So sad to hear about your experience, must be absolutely horrifying to hear that your own mother loves another better.
I'm a single child who always wished for siblings because my parents were never there during my childhood and all my friends had siblings and they all seemed to stick through thick and thin with each other.
My godsister's parents had a son when she was 11 years old, instantly everyone just fawned over him, and she was completely abandoned.
We just can't win either way :(
On the brighter side, WE'RE GONNA SEE EACH OTHER SOON!!! Oh which reminds me, I still gotta give you my contact details on NB xD doing that now!
I'm so excited!!!
I kind of know how you feel. I have a brother that's about 4 yrs younger than I and growing up, even though he was a boy and 4 yrs younger, I still had to compete with him. If I didn't compete with him, I'd be compared. And it's usually him that my parents favor the most because 1. he is the male in the family 2. they think he's smarter. I mean, in a way, that has really changed my relationship with my parents. I was never close to them and I have drifted even farther from them now since I live on my own 300+ miles from them. My mom and I talk everyday on the phone for 10-15 mins but it's nothing more than just filler conversations. I always had way too much expectations growing up too and it was so hurtful when they treated me as if I was an idiot. Even though I forgave them for all that they were back then, it's just something that stays with me. My brother and I don't even talk..we just see each other @ home when i visit.
Sorry that I left you such a depressing comment! It's good that you and sisters are close. It's something very special..and no one else will love you like they do :) Even if they don't say it!
Hey Chi! I can somewhat relate with being the oldest child in the family, although it's just me and sister 7 years younger than me. Like you, I often felt like I was the "guinea pig" child b/c I was the first in the family to go through different stages of life that would be pre-set for my sister. Think of it this way, you know more than your siblings because you go through more pain/strife than them. You'll do better in life because you've had to be fearless. You are emotionally stronger and more wary than they'll ever be. So take that in stride as a strength and not a weakness. :)
Omg, it breaks my heart to read this. I TOTALLY 100% FEEL YOU ON THIS, hun. My mom is so hard on me. Why? #1) I'm the oldest AND I'm the only GIRL in the family. 2) My brother is the young baby of the family. And just like your brother, that automatically means he gets off scotch-free, in any situation.
Please don't be sad. When I was younger and used to get physically disciplined (spanked), my mom used to yell out in rage, "I CAN'T STAND LOOKING AT YOUR UGLY FACE. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!" (She realllly hates him. They're no longer married, as you can tell).
I used to cry and cry...I can't help how I look, and for her to be that hurtful in saying that was just out of the line. Even to this day, whenever she gets angry with me...the first thing she'll resort to is saying how I look JUST like my father, etc etc. It makes me very depressed to think, that the entire reason why TO THIS DAY, my mother and I still have a lot of BUILT-UP TENSION & RESENTMENT is due to how she treated me all throughout my entire youth.
Sorry to write so much, but it really makes me feel a lot better to disclose this. I hope you feel BETTER, because life is way too short for a beautiful and smart girl like you to feel such sadness or self-doubt about your worth. =)
I'm the oldest, and my brother is 3 years younger.
He has always gotten all the attention, money, and time from my parents.
However, I am the successful and responsible one.
So, go figure!! I think that a LOT of Asian women are in this boat. I just live my life the way I want, and let my brother and parents be.
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