But I can't seem to get the words over my lips. Why is that?!?
Let me explain, no there's not a man in my life. Let's make that clear first. No, what I'm referring to here is something that I hope I'm not the only one to have experienced.
I don't know how it is in the rest of asia, but in places like China, Taiwan and Japan displays of affections are rare, some would say, maybe even non-existent. Don't get me wrong, there was and still is a lot of love in my family but we just don't know how to bring ourselves to say it. At least I dont...
As a kid, growing up in an asian environment inside a larger Danish society, I would often be envious of my friends who often got hugs and affection from their parents. For a while I thought that my family and myself included were dysfunctional. My parents would never hug us kids and the words "I love you" were never uttered in our home. Why? you ask. Because it's just not common, it's not what we do.
I remember once asking my dad about it and he replied: I don't think there's a reason to say it all the time and make it trivial. The most important thing is how you feel about that person. He then proceeded to tell me that he loved me and I should never ever doubt that even if it meant him not saying it everyday.
After I grew up things have changed around the house. My dad seems to once in while be a little more affectionate with me and my siblings, maybe something he missed doing when we were younger? I don't know, but my mom is still the emotionally distant person she'd always been.
Even though things changed with my dad I feel like I haven't changed. Even my friends notice it: That I'm just not that big on bodily contact. Is this a piece of my childhood where I was "deprived" of physical affection? Even today I can't bring myself to say those words to anyone...well at least anyone living.
I have no doubt that my parents love me and my siblings. But looking at them today, my brother, who I was talking to, directly told me that he wasn't comfortable when I put my hand on his shoulder to emphasize point I was making. I think it's safe to conclude that the three of us are in the same boat when it comes to physical touch.
This is part of why I think the words "I love you" seem to have lost all meaning. They become trivial when people just utter them over and over without thinking. When sitting at a café and hearing a man talk to his wife and son over the phone, saying "I love you" at the end of the conversation and that he'll be home shortly, only to turn around and stick his tongue down his mistress' throat and a hand up her skirt.
I feel like I have something to give but I don't know how. I can't make my mind go over the fact that my grandparents need me to be more emotionally available at times. So I do what I know.
I make my grandmother a cup of coffee every afternon when she wakes up and give her a manicure from time to time. I shave my grandfathers head when his hair is too long or find that glucosamine and chondroithine online when his knees are hurting. I tweeze my mothers eyebrows and dye her hair to make her feel pretty. I clean my brothers ears for him when it's necessary. I help my dad out with minor secretarial work because I can. I'm trying to spend every moment with my sister when she's available to let her know I'm there and to show I care. I bake and make enormous amounts of desserts and baked goods to feed my family, because this is how I know how to do things. I feed and care for them.
I can't hug them, because my entire body just shuts down when I start thinking about it
I love them but I can't say those words... Just like my mom. She loves us and shows us in so many ways. Just not the ones that are considered "normal" in a society.
So I'll whisper it here, right now. Out into the big cyberspace because that's the only way I can say it.
...
